Thursday, May 17, 2007

Blue


I walked the half-mile to my substitute hotel last night (favorite place The Edgewater was full), my bags slowly carving a bruise into my shoulder. Ahh, the Waterfront Marriott. Maybe I'll go for a walk and enjoy the water view.

Nope. Their "reservation desk" made a mistake and overbooked the hotel by about 15 rooms. Apparently the American Association of Orthodontists is in town.

So they tell me they'll schlep me up to the Madison Renaissance up the hill. Way up the hill. Friggin' fantastic. No nice walk on the waterfront for me. Room on the 6th floor. Not bad, but noisy as hell. Went to bed early, slept in late.

Today I just feel blue.

Various deserving co-workers are getting multiple promotions. Assorted colleagues are having great success in their musical endeavors. And that is great. They have all worked hard, or at least worked, to achieve these goals.

I work hard, too. Sometimes. But these sorts of things are not unfolding for me. Lately I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, or not getting there fast enough. Or something.

I was programmed early on to be competitive, to be the best, and have spent a good portion of my life trying to unwind some of that. Per Chapter 22 of the Tao Te Ching:
Because he competes with no one, no one can compete with him
I have that posted in my office and think about it a lot. Of course, at times I just consider it the ultimate winning strategy, which means that I'm still competing at heart. But most of the time I really try to embrace its true meaning and let go.

It is a daily challenge. I am so used to beating on problems as intensely as I can. Sometimes the best solution is to just do nothing.

All I know is that right now, I feel like this.

1 comment:

Lanier said...

Hi Anu,
Quick hello from one of your originial TIP students. I came across the blog while writing my personal statement for grad school (in which you figure prominently).

If you'd like to drop me a line, it's laniersammons at yahoo.

-Lanier Sammons